• May not be sure there is a God, but is damn sure of the infallibility of the Pope;

• Won't eat meat on Friday, but will drink gin for breakfast;

• Believes everything he can't see and nothing he can;

• Is against abortion but in favor of hanging;

• Has such great respect for the truth, he uses it in emergencies;

• Is irrational in important things, and a tower of strength in the trivial;

• Gets married for life, but not necessarily for love;

• Can argue either side of a question, often at the same time;

• Sees things not as they are, but as they never will be;

• Believes in leprechauns and banshees, and considers anyone who doesn't to be a heathen;

• Can lick any man in the house he is the sole occupant of;

• Cries at sad movies but cheers in battle;

• Considers funerals a festivity but weddings sad events- to be put off as long as possible, preferably forever;

• Hates the English but reserves his cruelty for his countrymen;

• Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland;

• Is not afraid of dying, in fact may prefer it;

• Believes that God is Irish or, at least. Catholic;

• Is against corruption, unless it's a Democrat;

• Takes the pledge not to drink at the age of twelve, and every four years thereafter;

• Believes that to forgive is divine, therefore doesn't exercise it himself;

• Believes that salvation can be acheived by weekly envelopes;

• Considers anyone who won't come around to his point of view to be hopelessly stuborn;

• Loves religion for its own sake but also because it makes it damnably inconvenient for his neighbors;

• Considers a bore to be someone who constantly keeps interrupting;

• Scorns money but worships those who have it;

• Considers an Irishman who acheives success to be a traitor.

Sign on the wall at Caffney's Emerald Isle, Washington, D.C.
(Owned, in order, by an Irishman, a Greek, and an Italian.)