On occassion, the odd member of the league feels an urge to vent some opinion with perverse ramblings. In an effort to allot those individuals the megre space they deserve, this page is dedicated. The contents probably do not represent those of the league. (If they were of any worth, we would have said it first)

from the brush of staff artist, Len "Darto" DeWeenie

Dart Vader is an old washed up dart shooter who, in earlier issues of nameless official newsletter, was occassionally given opportunity to comment on the state of current play and handicap the playoff races. Unfortunately, the digitheads now shooting would rather pore over column after column of 301 averages and match highlights as if they were about to draft players for a Rotisserie Darts League. The less-than-Honorable Mr. Vader has been banished from the back page to spend his time dodging jealous husbands and handicapping the Midtown Softball League. Fortunately for very few concerned, old DV does have a younger, more ascerbic distant cousin with much to say and nothing to lose, who has graciously agreed to guest edit this issue of Not Necessarily the TDI News. What follows are the rambling observations and predictions of Zippy the Hammerhead, may God forgive him for it's dead certain nobody else ever will.

• A Division: Just How Scary Is This Division?

  Maybe A should be renamed the U-Haul Division what with all these teams scrambling to get out of Dodge before marshall Mickey Marauder comes back to town on the noon stage. Unable to breathe the rarefied air of the highest echelons recent promotees Primal and Plan 9 hustled their butts back to the friendlier confines of B, dragging shell shocked A veteran Smoking J's with them. Must have been an awfully crowded down elevator. But those who cut and run away may live to shoot another day.

  The same cannot be said of the Alley P*ss*ers. Despite riding high all last season, accumulating boatloads of wins and goodwill, the vowelless wonders stumbled in the finals and disintegrated in the off season. Somebody get these guys back in their collective saddle! The Rooster needs to field at least one team that doesn't need to show IDs whaen they order soda pop.

  Will the Marauders turn A into their private hunting reserve? They are certainly the tem to beat, so somebody, please beat them. Scott Harned can't survive another Mickey's Victory Party.

  Telford's Pubbers (I dislike using the honorific "Lord" in this supposed democracy) could well be the best hope for a Mickey's overthrow. Are the Pubbers ready to make the jump from pretty darned good to top of the heap? If they can take A this season I'll put the "Lord" back in their name.

  Both The Fat Lady and Caffney's ER are poised to continue to compete at the highest level with their usual decorum, quiet dignity, and staid demeanor. In other words, it's still party time in the A division.

  All of the remaining A teams are licking their chops at the thought of extending a warm welcome to the upwardly mobile NuBoyz. After alienating much of B division and winning a Pulitzer Prize for fiction the Boyz are graduating (you remember "graduating" Mark, don't you? That's when you move on from college and get a life) to the senior division. Toto, I don't think we're in the frat House anymore.

• B Division: No Safe Refuge Here

  The awakard middle children of B are circling each other warily, each team ready to draw blood and announce their presence with authority on the 22nd. Ain't gonna happen. Primal is the early favorite on the surface of things but it's unsure if they can survive the rumored breakup of the Danny Brooks/David Diaz high volume comedy hour. No more shouts of"Try to hit the board, fat man!" ringing over the bar.

  Expect the Smoking Js to get off to a slow start as they get used to the concept of playing games they might win and follow up with a BIG second half of the season as they remember that winning really is more fun than losing.

  Cheshire Cat Jeff Gall finished his brief visit to A with a T0n80/Shooter of the Week performance. And he says A was too tough? Scuttlebutt has it that Plan 9 made the drop to B just so TDI's Grand Pooh Bah Isle could go out with a winning season. Big Fat Hairy Chance.

  Ladies' Night is the one team I fear enough to not write nasty things about. But I'm thinking them. Oh, am I ever thinking them.

  Then there are the NuCocks. Well, that about covers that team.

  Rounding out B will be the Whiners. Yes, yes they may have changed their name to Rewhine but they're still Whiners. Expect them to stamp on the floor and hold their breaths until they turn blue if they don't make the playoffs. They've never made the playoffs before and things are not about to change.

• C Division: Still The Most Fun

  Is there any sense in trying to handicap a division where the teams still play just for fun and look on playoffs and plaques as a pleasant but unnecessary surprise? No, but if I don't I can't say sarcastic things about them.

  A moment of silence, please, for the loss of the Setters. Okay, that's enough. C's ranks have been rounded out by the defection of B division's Pussycats. Even better, Kevin Yang has moved his team to a real, live, honest-to-goodness bar. This means that for the first time in many seasons no TDI team will be calling any yuppified "billiard parlor" home. Trey Addington/WADA take note.

  Victor Wells obviously hopes that his upstart Misfits can repeat last season's come from behind, second wind in the stretch, gut check play-off victories. Cinderella story or no, this is TDI, not Disney. Fat chance, Fat Boy.

  Free Beer, still smarting from their late collaspse last season, must be itching for another shot. Gee, maybe the Rooster will even let them shoot a finals match at home come April. Free Beer deserves praise for offering a neutral site for the finals rather than postponing such an important match for the best part of a month, but really, guys, Victor wells and Eagan's are like Brer Rabbit and the Briar Patch.

  Sean Coppie has almost got down the trick of fielding a full team of 6 shooters each week. If he ever manages to get a consistent 6 on the line for a whole season Bad Karma could be Bad News for the rest of the division.

  Apparently, nobody told the Arrows that rookie teams are supposed to start off slowly. So, here goes. "Hey! Arrows! Start losing like you're supposed to!"

  Papa Bear Stan Mires has had an excellent off season for recruiting. Those cute l'il Cubs are quickly growing into frisky pubescent teenage bears. Give them enough clearasil and there's no telling what they can do.

1. Bad Karma will change it's name again.
2. By week 4 the Alley P*ss*ers will miss throwing on Wednesday night and try to get back into the league. Grand Pooh Bah Isle will let them.
3. Ed Edwards will try to set up an Internet dart match with Popa C's Missouri Hard Timers. It won't come off, but Ed will try to sell comemorative shirts anyway.
4. After being spanked 10-1 while hosting Mickey's Marauders, the NuBoyz will accidently spill beer on the scoresheet. The next week's newsletter will show that the boyz actually won 6-5.
5. Grand Pooh Bah Isle will file a class action lawsuit against the Bottlesen Company after his game winning double-bull out bounces off the cork. He will win a pitcher of warm beer in damages to be split among all 17 teams.

Announcement

Anyone fooliish enough to wish to take over as TDI Executive Director, or who knows someone gullible enough to be talked into it, please call Grand Pooh Bah Isle at home during the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl on Sunday. He'll be needing something to distract him from the Packer's big victory.

from the roller of house painter, Len "Darto" DeWeenie